"Hello: You have reached 123-4567, Tender Hearts Animal Rescue. Due to the high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the following options and choose the one that best describes you or your situation":
Press 1 if you want free veterinary advice.
Press 2 if you know we are not actually trained veterinarians, but want to save money and have us give you free, untrained medical advice anyway.
Press 3 if you have a 10-year-old dog or cat and your 15-year-old son/daughter?, wife/husband? has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the dog a new home right away.
Press 4 if you have dogs or cats, just had a baby and want to get rid of your dogs/ cats because you are the only person in the world to have a baby and dogs or cat at the same time!
Press 5 if your dog or cat is sick and needs to see a vet, but you need the money because you are going on vacation soon.
Press 6 if you just got a brand new puppy or kitten and your old dog or cat is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.
Press 7 if your little puppy or kitten has grown up and is no longer cute and small.
Press 8 if you are an elderly person and want to adopt a "cute puppy or kitten who is not active and is going to outlive you"
Press 9 if your relative has suddenly died and you can't care for their elderly dog or cat - not even temporarily while YOU try to find him or her a good home, because it will cramp your lifestyle.
Press 10 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 150-pound, 8-year-old dog.
Press 11 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home today and pick up the dog or cat you no longer want.
Press 12 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your dog or cat.
Press 13 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know you have left a dog/cat outside in our yard in the middle of January, (which is in fact, better than just leaving the dog/cat without a message).
Press 14 if you are going to get angry because we are not able to take your dog or cat that you have had for fifteen years, because we have run out of room, (not to mention that it is not our responsibility!).
Press 15 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old dog or cat to be euthanized because we can't take them in.
Press 16 if you would like one of our "perfectly trained, housebroken, kid-friendly, cat-friendly, purebred tiny dogs who do not shed", that we have an abundance of!!
Press 17 if you want us to take your dog that has a slight aggression problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people and killed your neighbor's cat.
Press 18 if you have already called once and didn't like what we told you, but thought when you called back this time you would get a different person with a different answer.
Press 19 if you want us to use the shelter space that would go to helping a stray, so that you can board your own dog while you are on vacation, (free of charge, of course).
Press 20 if you have bought your children a duckling, (baby chick or baby bunny) for Easter, but now it's July and they're bored of that animal.
Press 21 if you want us to take your female dog or cat who has already had several litters, but you can't spay her now because she is pregnant again, and that would be against your religion!!
Press 22 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because she has been declawed, (by YOU), but are not willing to accept the responsibility that the cat's behavior was altered because of your decision to have him or her declawed.
Press 23 if your two-year-old male dog is marking all over your house but you "just haven't gotten around" to having him neutered.
Press 24 if you have an outdoor-only dog or cat and are calling because you suspect that she is suddenly pregnant.
Press 25 if you have done "everything" to housebreak your dog but had no success, yet you don't want to crate the dog because it is "cruel".
Press 26 if your new"love" doesn't like your dog or cat (and you are too stupid to get rid of this new friend, who will dump you very soon anyway).
Press 27 if you went through all these 'options' and didn't hear enough!
This will connect you to the sounds of tears being shed by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old dog or cat while the vet mercifully frees him from of the grief of missing his family.